2.11.2017

poetry: you are to live (suicide prevention piece)

the sky tore itself apart
and the sun burned itself down
just so you could see another day
and now that this galaxy 
full of bright stars
is keeping you alive
how dare you not
understand this unusual unheard love
you are to live
for the loves you don't know
and yes
you are to live

some things in life only seem real when they happen as closely as home. and god, they do hurt. Hurt enough to find a solution or an antidote, just to prevent them.
growing up, I was not sure how I felt about suicide. It IS horrible, sad in fact, and totally soul crushing. The idea of someone being suicidal leaves me all numb and my brain stops sending me signals for actions, leaving me with an abyss of silence. I can't move and certainly, cannot think. I never knew how could I even talk about something like suicide, that could take a person, a living breathing soul whose laughter had shared the chords of my laughter somewhere in our lives, away from this alive vivid world.
There is a difference between death and suicide; a stark one. Death occurs and suicide is performed. And a performance of leaving everything, from pieces of beautiful dreams to breathing humans beans, it can't be that easy, it can't be that painless.
I wouldn't even have thought about it if ~this~ thing hadn't happened. And ~this~ thing is, putting it the easy way, someone REAL close to my heart, talked about attempting suicide. The situation's totally in control (as for now), but it shook me to the core. I grew up in a family where no one would even talk about it. My family, being practicing Muslims, we believe that those who take their own lives will not enter Jannah (heaven), as per Islamic rules. I grew up believing it and will die believing it. The idea of suicide wasn't only the pain of leaving one life behind, it was also the pain of showing up at the day of judgment and knowing you had failed already.

Suicide has been a taboo for me, I still cannot think about it. Not that I ever saw it happening around me or someone close to me ever did. But from the very start, it has always sounded like a possibility that could take away something precious from me. I am talking about it today because it punched me hard in the face, to remind me that the possibility of it exists, that it is around me even when I don't know it does and that it could take away anyone anytime and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it.
So I am talking about it. I have written this poetry piece specifically for this. Living is hard, yes. At some points in my life, I just didn't want to wake up anymore, I didn't want to exist anymore. More or less, I COULD have wished to be not alive anymore. But I just couldn't bring myself to think of S word that would ruin me, not only in this world and also in the other-world I work so hard to save some virtues for.
Here is this piece and it's not enough, I know. But this is all I could offer. I have nothing but words and I am putting them out there. I'm sorry if life hasn't been easy, I hope it becomes, soon. I hope things work out and you get to be wherever you want to be, with whatever you want to have, with whoever you want it to be. I hope I hope I hope.
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