11.28.2016

a lil guide of city roasts in Pakistan

the contrast between different cities of Pakistan is so stark, one could almost remember each of them by their certain qualities rather than their names. Some cities are famous for their sweets, some are famous for their buildings, and some are famous because a historical event happened there. I like to remember cities by their famous foods, though. It's easy to remember, food is closer to my heart.

When it comes to big cities, things go on a bigger level as well. The main 'big' or let's say mainstream cities of Pakistan are Karachi, Lahore, and Islamabad; the spoiled rich brats of the country. Growing up, I would always hear things like 'MY CITY IS BETTER SO BACK OFF' when people talked about their cities. Normal blah-blah conversations would take 0.2 seconds to turn into warssss. We like to call them city wars and we're too loyal to our cities.

I am a Karachitie with sea-water-like blood running in my blood (Karachi is famous for its sea thus the reference) so when Twitter broke into Pakistani cities war after a video of city roasts went viral with the hashtag #OyeKuchKarGuzar (that mean hey do something in urdu - PROVOCATIVE) then i knew i had to be a part of it, too.
I'm writing this post as a guide to the current and future generations to let them know how to roast big cities, with the targeted 'keywords' that would trigger the well-facade emotions of general population *muhahahahas*

Starting from Karachi, this city doesn't take anything personally. So in order to roast Karachi or any Karachitie, use the following:

TRY TO HURT SEA 
Yeah, the big glorious Arabian sea. Some of the shores of Karachi beach aren't in the best of condition these days. So non-karachities can go and attack the fact that even though their cities aren't blessed with sea, they can still feel better about the contaminated karachi beaches.
The new language 
 People of Karachi have a self-proclaimed passion for speaking the finest of Urdu (which definitely isn't finest but one could pretend). Urdu is the national language of Pakistan so finer = the better. However, the other cities and their residents could disagree. When you can't understand a Karachitie's urdu, you can make fun of it, like the rest of Pakistan.

Then there comes Lahore. To be honest, out of every city, Lahore is far easier to roast. You could say 'oh this city is so full of fog' in a nicest and a-weather-compliment kinda way to a Lahori and they will take it very very personally. But the key points are:

Lahori accent
 People of Lahore speak with a heavy influence of Punjaabi in their tones that it almost sounds like a new language. Non-Lahoris like to call it Lahori accent (available in urdu, English and 826 other languages *smirks*) when you can't think of anything to use in your Lahore roast, GO STRAIGHT FOR THE ACCENT.

The No-Sea hoot
Lahore doesn't have a sea. Karachi does. This, somehow, always comes up in the roasts and makes Karachi look like a winner. Now the competition between these two cities has always been quite intense. And since they don't have sea, they can't win. For every Lahore achievement, one can scream 'BUT YOU DON'T HAVE SEA' (esp if you're from Karachi) and it would help a lot.

(samandar = sea)

Then comes Islamabad, the capital of Pakistan and also a not so big city (it's literally so small). You can't even find anything to roast that easily. But don't worry, let me spill out some secrets.

MOCK THE PUNCTUALITY
well, it's a sad one. if you can't find something they're doing wrong, you're forced to mock something they're doing right (oh and it works). people of Islamabad sleep earlier than the rest of the country and yes it's absolutely not a myth. Other cities' night = 1 am / Islamabad's night = 10 or 9 PM
so before roasting, ask them if they can stay till 9 PM. LET THE ROAST BEGIN WITHOUT THEM.

THE SMALL-CITY CAPITAL
what seems to upset the people of islamabad is the objection on the total area covered by their city. Of course, it must sound like a terrible thing. But when you're roasting a city, you're roasting a city. 

so that's like the basic intro of roasting a big city in Pakistan. I would LUVVV to know how do you guys do the city roasts in your own country. SPILL THE SECRETS
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