10.01.2016

A Nonchalant List Of Fears

I have formed a real good bond with my fears. They still terrify me, but instead of falling to the floor shivering, I wave back like 'yeah I understand'. I understand my fears and they understand me. That's why they're really terrifying.
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 my biggest fear is running out of time. Oh yes since I am a big grown up kid clinging tightly to my last teenage year and still not too enthusiastic about 20's ready to collide with me, fears have shifted remarkably from dark rooms to ticking clocks that mean nothing and everything at the very same time.
I have never been too good with time. one way or another, it gets ahead of me. And I don't even try. Time is substantial and I am just a human being, additionally having 'lazy' marked all over my identity, no wonder time has its reason to terrify me, attempt to push me in the dark caves of anxiety. It knows me well and I, too, know it well. Time's aware I cannot change as a person and I am aware time doesn't always have control. We have coped up.

My other big fear is to not being able to do things I am supposed to. It's a long-named fear so let's call it NBATDTIASTD. This fear actually motivates me to get my work done. But it's very annoying, physically. Hands turning cold, mind going to numbness, stutters coming out as smoothly as my usual speech doesn't, and an unknown terror taking over; symptoms of NBATDTIASTD. I haven't learned to cope up with it but it's the only way I can actually do things. NBATDTIASTD knows I will do anything to fight it off and I know it will do anything to make me fight. We go along like this.

My third and probably the last big fear is scarcity. It doesn't numb me or make me anxious, it simply tortures. Scarcity is such a small word with a huge burden. I fear scarcity not only for me, but for the ones i know, or the ones I don't know in other parts of the world; some sleeping peacefully and some getting bombed with nameless missiles. For scarcity doesn't see who and when and where. When this topic sprang up from my economic's book, i thought my head would explode by the depths of all the fields scarcity would pave its way into our lives. Its literal meanings are 'lack' and not just in oh-i-dont-have-water-in-my-bottle, it's as extreme as oh-i-dont-have-water-in-my-river. What I have understood about it so far is trying not to be afraid or it and what it has understood about me is that I try too hard. Scarcity has met me in open fields before and I fear for it to return again. It's the only fear of mine I don't even want to cope up with.

Then there are petty fears but who cares about petty stuff, even my accounting book had the easiest methods for petty cash entries, I will leave them as they are. For the three I just mentioned, get hold of me, anyways.

What are your biggest fears?
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