9.08.2014

Hi Failure


Ever since I got into high school , the main thing I was afraid of was failure. Sounds childish but who knew it could grow to have an anxiety-ish behavior at some points and a constant fear of....failing.
I imagine myself being in 8th grade , back then. Smart , ideas dancing in eyes and always saying "yes" no matter whatever the plan was.
There there there , I wish everything could stay like they were used to be but of course since the giddy nature changes everything, from yellow to purple (Eww), so did my high school and everything. I still wonder , why did I let things change?
Because Miranda Kerr seemed perfect , like perfect. Styling hair became more important. Writing creative stories became "kid-ish". Typos seemed to be HUGE mistake. And me? I guess I lost "me" in the phase of being lost.

I remember my Amma Jaan (mom) telling me to accept the flaws and non-perfectness in us. All of us. I never actually heard what she meant because when you're a teen or even young , moms are old and boring and eh? I didn't need to actually feel the flaws. Sighs.
Just when you realize you're perfect and stuff then something occurs that TELLS you 'Hi , no you're not miss perfect so here's a push from life. k bye"
I remember not being chosen for the class head girl. Because? I don't know why. I had highest marks , smartest mouth and the thing you call confidence.
I didn't get chosen to lead senior party. Because? I don't know why. Did the administration know someone better than me? They did.

Some of those events really crackled me , inside out. It was like being pushed from a high cliff whenever I didn't get the opportunity I had in mind , like it was made for ME. Nobody else had right to it , in my mind ofc. I started thinking that I can't do, this or that. Anything.
For me, it was (and has been) the worst phase. Being able to dream but not saying yes to the reality is seriously disgusting. It is not like I didn't try. I did but a little fail would kill me inside. The long run of perfection became so short. That it ended.

*heart breaks*

But , life + time are the biggest teachers. You can't stay at the same phase (unless you don't want to be changed). Going with the flow , I learned it hard way that failures will be there , among success. If only I wanted to achieve something , I will :
- Have to accept what I DON'T have
-Have to accept what others CAN do
-Have to accept life's not a fairy tale

Hah , don't worry . It's hard as rock (or something?) but saying holla at failure only decreases it. I just did it with my poetry and some other things in life. Like choosing Commerce for college. I am still a little afraid I may not be good at some commerce subjects. But if I don't take this chance , I wouldn't be able to feel what it "could" be like to study commerce.
So if you're stuck somewhere , just like me as being a silly 17 , I advise you to do it. Even if you're not a teenager but a grown up , do it for once. Or else you will never know.
I am waving a hi to failure . It will come to me (next stage: crossing Candy Crush level 40) , muahahaha!! This time , it will get me prepared.

HOLLA!!!!

post signature

11 comments :

  1. Sigh. I know how that feels. For me though, I find comfort in failure. it has something to do with my low self esteem. I expect to fail, I don't expect to rise. It gets bad cos sometimes I don't try at all. WE'll get through this though. We learn some things along the way. Good luck!

    http://thewallflowersecrets.com/backpacking-malaysia/

    ReplyDelete
  2. I totally understand how you feel, Noor. It is hard to think of failing and it being okay to fail, but it really is. Perfection is this... elusive dream space that doesn't actually exist... and it's toxic (perfection is toxic? Yes, it is). Head up girl, and I'm always here if you need anything!

    xo,
    Zoe | La Vie en Zoe

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm stuck at level 500 and something candy crush. I quit, haha.

    Everyone is afraid of failure but I think most people surprise themselves with what they can do.

    Come back to socialbloggers. :(

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. Failure is part of our lives. It only depends on how we handle it and get back up. I know you can do it Noor. And your failures will make you even wiser and stronger. :)

    P.S. I am now back to Blogger! I missed you and your twin! <3

    xo,
    Janine

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know the feeling of fear of failure - I had the most crippling anxiety as a child that has begun to taper off in the past 10 years but it was pretty horrific at times. We definitely can't be afraid to make mistakes and it's most important to learn from them. Have a great one Noor! -Iva

    ReplyDelete
  6. You're a pretty wise 17 year old Noor. I just started my online courses last night. I have a hefty amount of work to do this semester and I can't help but feel afraid of that word too.. failure. Rob just finished four years of school to become a journeyman electrician. His schooling was really, really hard but he pulled it off. Now it's up to me to pull it off and I'm so afraid of letting him and everyone else down. I know that if I study hard and do my best that SHOULD be enough. But what if it isn't? This post spoke to me especially with my current situation. Sorry I've been so distant from blog comments.. life has been busy my girl.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know for me, as a perfectionist, it's really hard to accept failure. But in the end, if you aren't punishing yourself you'll be so much happier in the long run!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I agree with an above comment...you're a very mature and wise person for 17 years old. You should be very proud of yourself for recognizing this part of life. It has taken me a really long time to figure out that I have to stop being so afraid of failing, so go you. You'll have a way less stressful life releasing that worry from your mind.

    ReplyDelete
  9. holla! I can empathize with you, because sometimes even the small failure will have me running back like, "no, no, I can't do that. I'll never be able to do that" But lately i've gotten better at not giving up. You've got all this unnerving wiseness inside such a young and pretty head. I hope you at the very least enjoy your commerce classes.

    http://wondergoth.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow its really amazing and interesting blog
    i really like it
    http://www.consumerspk.com/guidelines-for-consumers/

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading my blog. Leave a comment & share your thoughts with me :)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Back to Top