Ever since I got into high school , the main thing I was afraid of was failure. Sounds childish but who knew it could grow to have an anxiety-ish behavior at some points and a constant fear of....failing.
I imagine myself being in 8th grade , back then. Smart , ideas dancing in eyes and always saying "yes" no matter whatever the plan was.
There there there , I wish everything could stay like they were used to be but of course since the giddy nature changes everything, from yellow to purple (Eww), so did my high school and everything. I still wonder , why did I let things change?
Because Miranda Kerr seemed perfect , like perfect. Styling hair became more important. Writing creative stories became "kid-ish". Typos seemed to be HUGE mistake. And me? I guess I lost "me" in the phase of being lost.
I remember my Amma Jaan (mom) telling me to accept the flaws and non-perfectness in us. All of us. I never actually heard what she meant because when you're a teen or even young , moms are old and boring and eh? I didn't need to actually feel the flaws. Sighs.
Just when you realize you're perfect and stuff then something occurs that TELLS you 'Hi , no you're not miss perfect so here's a push from life. k bye"
I remember not being chosen for the class head girl. Because? I don't know why. I had highest marks , smartest mouth and the thing you call confidence.
I didn't get chosen to lead senior party. Because? I don't know why. Did the administration know someone better than me? They did.
Some of those events really crackled me , inside out. It was like being pushed from a high cliff whenever I didn't get the opportunity I had in mind , like it was made for ME. Nobody else had right to it , in my mind ofc. I started thinking that I can't do, this or that. Anything.
For me, it was (and has been) the worst phase. Being able to dream but not saying yes to the reality is seriously disgusting. It is not like I didn't try. I did but a little fail would kill me inside. The long run of perfection became so short. That it ended.
But , life + time are the biggest teachers. You can't stay at the same phase (unless you don't want to be changed). Going with the flow , I learned it hard way that failures will be there , among success. If only I wanted to achieve something , I will :
- Have to accept what I DON'T have
-Have to accept what others CAN do
-Have to accept life's not a fairy tale
Hah , don't worry . It's hard as rock (or something?) but saying holla at failure only decreases it. I just did it with my poetry and some other things in life. Like choosing Commerce for college. I am still a little afraid I may not be good at some commerce subjects. But if I don't take this chance , I wouldn't be able to feel what it "could" be like to study commerce.
So if you're stuck somewhere , just like me as being a silly 17 , I advise you to do it. Even if you're not a teenager but a grown up , do it for once. Or else you will never know.
I am waving a hi to failure . It will come to me (next stage: crossing Candy Crush level 40) , muahahaha!! This time , it will get me prepared.